Love like you've never been hurt before

Baru semalam ber-iye iye tulis panjang lebar tentang ketekadan dalam membuat keputusan. Pendirian goyah kembali selepas aktiviti borak panjang lebar dengan ibu. Nama dia yang sudah lama tak disebut depan ibu, kembali terkeluar dari mulut ni. Lalu ditanya ibu, ape cite die sekarang?

Haruslah otak laju memberi signal-signal untuk mngawal ekspresi wajah, takut perasaan sebenar terpamer pula. He already has a girlfriend. Bagusla tu... Kawal emosi kawal emosi.

Long story short, I'm glad I (partially) talked about him. Sebab kalaulah ada kekuatan ni, memang banyak sangat nak cerita and share dengan ibu. But I just couldn't. So dapat share sikit pun agak legalah jugak.  I can't believe I said this..

me : taknak amik tau sangat, dia mampu memporak-porandakan.

ibu : porak-porandakan siapa?

me : my life lah.

ibu : kenapa, still ada feeling lagi? blablabla....(blablabla is the part where her words seemed to be silented due to my nervousness. I know what she's about to ask, and was panickly thinking of the most appropriate answer. damn!)

me : taktaulah, kalau die nak, and I'm single, ann nak jer...grrr...(nervous jap, wrong, wrong answer)...takde sebab pun taknak. entah, dulu.....(i stopped there, face down)

Being a mum, I bet she can read my mind. As if I have not heard it before, she said, takde orang yang akan dapat semuanya..(Something something, i forgot)...Mungkin Tuhan nak kita hargai yang ada depan mata. Sekarang, channel kan lah perasaan and rasa sayang tu pada orang lain..orang bernama *tooot*

Ya..kawal emosi. Gunakan akal fikiran. Tak bersama tidak bermakna tiada rasa ambil berat tentang seseorang. Afterall, his name, in fact sometimes their names, bermain di bibir tatkala berdoa. Semoga Tuhan rahmati aku dan mereka-mereka dengan kebahagiaan di dunia dan akhirat.

Beri kekuatan dan tekad yang Kau suluhkan semalam. Read yesterday post again!

Oh, I can never be the same person two days in a row! Damn!

(With all due respect to Mr. A)

Tidak mungkinnn...

Received a short sms from atok few minutes ago. He wished me Selamat Hari Raya and saying that the whole family is back in Klang already, and that they are in good condition and so on...I terus terfikir, adakah esok raya di Malaysia? Tidak mungkinnn...Ini tidak adil...So I called atok immediately. Sorry atok, tengah berbuka rupanya. But I wanted to verify if my guess is true. Nasib baik....belum raya lagi.....Most probably wednesday....fuhh...relief...

*********

Mengapakah macik panick?

*********************

I target to send my chapter 3 (Which is the most heartaching part of the thesis) BEFORE raya! Hehe walaupun ada banyak lagi correction to be done after that, at least the most crucial part is done. Hm.....i'm extremely tired...

Off

Thesis progress : Results and Discussion

I've been sitting in front of the laptop since....FOREVER!

Was trying to squeeze out some idea out from my brain on what to write for my discussion part. I started to have some clue and then I went to look for the journals thought to be related to it. So yes, was successful in doing just that. But to go through the papers and relate the contents to my current results....arhh..tiring! So after long hours of reading and scrutinizing the papers, feels like I'm back to square one. Now, how to put them in words........?

Oh Tuhan, berilah aku sumber ilham untuk menulis........grrrr...

Ok, jehan, you are not under pressure, you can do it, it's a matter of strategy, God put you on a test because He knows you can handle it...it's a matter of time, you'll figure it out somehow...yadayyayada....

Urhhh they sound too optimist?? Ahah..surprisingly I do believe in those reminders...they make me calmer...hehe..speaking of psychology! Betul ni..tak baik complainnnn (trying not to)

I'm constantly consuming grapes right now (bought from marks and spencer today)..sedap bangatt! They are very sweet, juicy and crunchy- i like! And the panick-er I get, the faster the rate of putting the grapes into my mouth. Haha, momentum suda larii....

I allow myself to stop and rest only at 12am. It's like lunch hour la, only at night. So now lepaking and rest2. Kut-kut malam ni malam Lailatul-qadar ke...kan best! hehe oh, in my dreams! and here is my all time company.....My cute Mr. Remy......

Mr. Remy patiently waiting for me : bile mau tidur nih?

Mr. Remy sitting on my journal : "cepatla habis kak oi..senang je, i help you read okeh"



Mr. Remy with another mouse, his more 'helpful' friend

Okayy..jehan starts to talking crap....

Sod off

My imagination

*why so often start a post with a sigh??*

Bridge of sighs in Cambridge

Hari ini literally, hari paling indah dalam bulan ini di cambridge. Unfortunately, I'm stranded in the room. The view outside my window is sooo tempting. I can imagine myself.....

wonder around the city centre

Tengok-tengok orang..buang masa and minum2..No..no, bukannye boley hang out at any cafes sipping hot chocolate pun.

Okay, I can always visit one of the boutiques and buy something nice

(for myself)

not in the mood to do this. That's surprising! Lately, memang amat berjimat cermat cik Jehan kite...Good..good..

Go to parkers piece with a good book in hand (and read it of course)

This would be a bliss! Oh yes...with oreo milk shake. You can never read in any parks in Malaysia. Erm..you can, provided you are prepared to be 'Black beauty'. hikhik Or maybe there are places that I'm not aware of. Hurmm

Or lepak at my favourite place near Magdalene bridge

Used to do this with Mr. Matthias..tapi now no point- he's not here anymore, and I cannot eat/drink.

Try out a new restaurant with the girls

Mane lagi tempat yang I tak pernah pergi ek?? Banyakk..tapi craving for Ikan bakar and air asam (or kuah asam??), since Ibu mentioned it last two days...Gulp..HELPP

So yes, I can imagine myself doing all mentioned above, except what I'm doing now - writing! Grrr...bilelah nak berkesudahan ni...Tapi I'm being really patient..

*Begin with the end in mind*

Holiday that is

~grin~

Aku jaket dan hujan

Jam menunjukkan pukul 7.13 petang.

Seperti hari-hari sebelumnya, cuaca di Cambridge memang tidak dapat dijangka. Pada awal pagi, adalah terasa sedikit dingin membuatkan aku menyarungkan juga jaket ke badan yang kurus lagi kurang vitamin ini. Ada sedikit perasaan malas untuk berbuat demikian, kerana aku tahu lewat tengah hari nanti tentu matahari bersinar tiba-tiba sehingga mampu memerah keringat, bermandikan peluh. Nanti, pada waktu itu pula aku akan mengomel sendirian, dah kata dah, takyah bawak jaket! Namun, seakan arif dengan perubahan cuaca yang tidak menentu di sini, terbukti keputusan di waktu pagi tadi tepat sekali.

Lima minit yang lalu, kiranya aku gagahkan diri mengayuh basikal untuk pulang ke kolej, tentu aku tidak terkandas di dalam bangunan ini. Hujan turun dengan lebatnya secara tiba-tiba. Bukan setakat hujan, siap guruh sabung-menyabung seakan mengejek-ejek. Itulah, tadi aku fikir, sudah berjam-jam aku dalam makmal ni, kalau duduk setengah jam lagi takkan terluak pun masa. Sekarang ni, hamik....

Hehe, amacam? Ada gaya jadi penulis novel tak? The word hamik in the end is so not acceptable in the malay literature okay. ;) Yes, hujan lebat giler kat luar sekarang ni. I hate it. The only day that I finished early, I am still stuck in the lab until 8pm! Menci......Ada sedikit rasa sedih. Entah mengapa. Naseb baik pacik mathias stil ada dlm lab, takdelah takut sgt. Bak kata dia, "the rain wont hurt you". Pouring rain like this always makes me cheerless. Hey, on the bright side, I can continue working with my computer. New softwares that I have to figure out how to use.

Oklah, later...nak pi dinner kot then head home.

Da...

I cannot sleep...AGAIN!

Oh, apekah yang sedang berlaku pada diriku. It's 1 o'clock in the morning. Feeling so tired since got back from the lab, but these eyes just couldn't shut and the brain is still actively working. Nonetheless, it's exhausted! How should I describe it?? It's like you are wide awake but too tired to do anything...Hurmmm

Anyway. tadi determine to come back from lab early. I target at 6.30pm. Then something came up so I extended the timeline to 7pm. But again, something came up and I decided to do it TODAY. So that was it - told myself, maximum 7.30pm! And so I managed to finish on time...Said goodbyes to Ms. Gabi and Mr. Mathias and then I'm off from the lab. Finally!

Keluar je main entrance department, I was dissapointed to see that it was raining. HEAVILY okk. Initial intention was to stop by Sainsburry's. The last few days I wanted to eat banana so much, but was too lazy to go out to get some. Nampaknye, harini pun tak dapat la makan pisang. Huh sadis sungguh

I could just walk back in and wait until the rain stops but I dont want to spend another minute in the department. Not the whole day! Oh, puhleeze! So with great determination, ku redah jua hujan lebat itu, sampaila ke college! Basah kuyup la jgk. Plus, dengan kaca mata ku ini, haruslah tak nampak jalan kan! Hish, very the un-glamour. What to do...On the brightside, I arrived room at exactly 8. Aha! Sukenye hati ;)

Then makan2, kavie called from london for a while and then I felt too tired already. Tried to sleep until now. Urghh...

Hari yang ngantuks

Oh the title says it all!!!

I am extremely sleepy now. Writing from the office. Preparing for presentation for monday morning. I'll be the first speaker. Makanya harusla nervous alagapas kan! Anyway, last nite was GWEAT. No time to upload now nor has the mood to do so. I have some pictures with me now, but gambar2 yang melepasi piawaian blog ku ini ada pada laptop kak ina. So later aja....

I just want to sleep.......

Sod off

Ape yang aku buat, tau2 je dah monday??

It's sunday night already and annoyingly undescribable how time flies - hence the title of this post. I have to say these two days were quite productive ones for me. Let's recap...

Saturday

Balik dr tempat kak ina (slept at her place the night before) awal pagi. Takkan tak mandi terus ke lab?? So I head back to my college, mandi2, makan mee yg kak ina pack kan (yes, she's that nice) and tidur balik. Ahaks! Penat yer kawan2..Almost 12pm keluar balik ke lab. Buat labwork smpai tak tahan lapar baru keluar ke city centre untuk cari makanan. Around 4.30pm. Oleh kerana kemeriahan hari sabtu di city centre, maka my initial intention to only grab something to EAT end up with me grabbing so many other things that has nothing to do with filling up to my previous hunger.

Masuk NEXT kerana ade sale besar-besaran. Memang besar kerana keluar dari kedai pun dengan plastic beg yang besar! Tetibe kerisauan di lab hilang seketika...LOL My instinct says I have to check out other shops. Oh, tinggal 15 minit je lagi before 5pm. Lari ke grand arcade n berjaya mmbeli 4 handbags..Wehee..Mmg gilos la jehan! Sorry ye kaks suw, jgn jeles ;D Tapi I felt good sebab akhirnya dapat beli untuk orang. Cukup2lah for myself (cewah). Let's see.....

Bile kedai tutup, I had no other options than to go back to the lab. Continue sket then balik bilik...Seriusly tak ingat jam berapa balik!! Try nk recall ni, I just can't! Malam tu tak tau buat ape...serius tak ingat...

Sunday

Woke up at 7. Malas giler nk bangun. Tolonggg la...sunday okk...Gagahkn diri and mandi2, breakfast, kemas barang and terus ke lab. I loike...harini mcm bersemangat la plak bile smpai lab. The plan is not to do any huge amount of labwork. Tapi untuk continue writing. Ha....part ni lagi challenging. Sebab everytime menulis mesti rasa mcm tak achieve banyak...Banyak lagi kene cover ni. Panick attackk! Hmm..constant reminder from Mr. Asraf, be calm, tapi efisyen!

Ok, I dont want to start with the oh-so-dull-writing-part of my current life. Cite yg happy2 jer. So just like yesterday I had to go out for lunch la kann. Wanted to go to McD. Tapi stop tie rack dulu. Hehe Bile keluar, on the way to McD terjumpe Nabil with his mum and younger sis. Comel sgt. They just arrived from the states yesterday. Borak2 jap then I pegi bejalan lagi, ingt nk masuk NEXT again (hehe) Tapi terserempak dgn Nabil again! Hish..ape cite. He was waiting for his mum n sis who went into Marks n Spencer. So we chatted again. Orang nk masuk NEXT nih, tapi kenela temankn die jugak. Plus he offered some raspberries and chocolate. That reminds me that I was hungry. So makan2 kat luar M&S itu.

Tetibe ada macik ni tap my shoulder from behind. Kak Zetty rupenyer..Apparently she texted me, tapi macik manela pegang phone time shoping. Hehe She bought doughnuts from harrods, so we decided to lepak mane2 cafe to minum n makan. Saved me from exploring new things to buy. Good..good. Update each other and gosip2. Comel donut ini. And gempak gitu!

I lurrrve sweet things, tp this one was way too much, babe. Thanks anyway. Lame rasanya tak jumpe you. Anywayy..I headed back to the lab, continue some work and gerak at 9pm. Singgah tmpat kak ina to pass her part of the doughnut and had my dinner there Semoga Kak Ina dimurahkan rezeki Hikhik I terpk nk balik bilik panaskn nasi n goreng telur je. Ahaks. Kalau i dah improve my cooking skill. I akan do the same ok kawan2. Then balik bilik n now ngantuk giler..Will sleep now. Feels good to be able to write something here. De-stressing...Takes only a few minutes anyway..

Owkayz..praying for a better week ahead. Nite2. Salam peeps ;)

Bosan aku dengan penat

Oh yes, thank you for those who have been really supportive (cewah, macam acknowledgement dalam thesis pulak!) during my troubles and grief. Tuhan Maha Kaya, memberi pertolongan and memudahkan perjalanan hamba nya. Alhamdulillah, I now feel more confident to finish this masters degree. Takde la kene threaten je memanjang. Stressing okk and was very demoralizing!

Anywayy, refering to pakcik azizi's comments, yerp i think its obvious that I chose the switch off button. I dont like negative energy around me.....

Gracias again to all!

*Still unsure about future plans!* ;)

Plans

Wah..lame enggak tulis apa-apa...Malas+busy+penat+takde mood...Anywayy...Banyak betul future plans that I have in mind..Banyak as in, seriusly confusing! Apekah faktor-faktor yang harus I consider in making a decision? For myself or should I consider others as well?

One thing for certain is, I can't get everything I want. Maybe I can, but not all at the same time.....Ya ampun, harap ada signs from God, which lifestyle I should go for!

I'm off

Stress mode enabled

Gosh..8.30pm baru smpai bilik..Managed to finish my labwork at 6pm, but discussion punye discussion with Mr. Math, after 8 baru we call it a day. Itupun, tak settle lagi. One question keep bugging me until now. Maybe...i say MAYBE ade kesilapan di dalam experiment ku and need to be repeated! Oh tidakkk....I cant afford to lose any more time!

Nervous strike! ;(

~Mayday mayday Mr. Asraf~

The story of the swollen eyes...

25th May, 2008

A planned trip to london was cancelled..Uhuh, sgt keciwa tak dapat bershop2 di london..I had an imaginary list of things to hunt on that day. Tetapi awal2 pagi dapat message letting me know, semuanya tak sehat..So, a friend from Oxford came to visit..not to visit me, he was more excited to visit the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge! oh yes, also H&M. They dont have this retail shop in Oxford, so he bought himself some shirts. I bought a turqoise santai handbag for myself. Murah aja..... ;) We visited the 461 year old King's Chapel in Kings College too..Never failed to mesmerize its visitors...

Petang itu, meet up with 'the girls' and ate spaghetti at K. Zetty's house. K.Lin cooked ayam kari..Lazzat...and the desert, wah so irresistable - Meringue nest, chopped strawberry, topped with whipped cream..Nyum..nyum..Sambil tu tgk final AF..Stacy menang...

Yay..suke..suke...Mind you, twas our de-stressing day ;)

26th May, 2008

Mata berair, mata merah, mata bengkak, vision kabur, light sensitive, body balancing instable = stayed in the dark for 2 damn days! Went to pharmacy (cuz medical practice were close), and was given 'brolene', an eye drop for mild bacterial infections. Ya rite, it wasn't mild, I figured after 2 days of stagnant devastating condition. Oleh kerana terlalu bengkak mata, tak nampak jalan ke pharmacy. Tapi I bersengkang mata untuk cycle to town! At that time, I can still open my eyes. During the night, it worsen!! I cant expose my eyes to the light at all. So, no laptop, no tv, no outdoor activities! Basically, I slept most hours. Sampai dah tak larat nak tidur.

Monday morning, I woke up at 5am and felt hungry. So pergi kitchen to goreng telur. Kununnyer nak makan sandwich je. Then I terpikir, why not I masak for lunch terus, sementara takde orang berjaga kan? Makanya...i pun sarung mata lalat i (sunglass), masuk kitchen again n goreng ikan! Sambil tu masak nasi n potong tomatoes..Wah..i was blinded remember..So semuanya kene raba2 je barang2 kt dapur tu. Frying the salmon was the most challenging part, cuz I can't make sure if it's cooked or not! Redah aja dong...


When I almost done, there was a guy tibe2 plak masuk dapur..What the heaven, kan! (polite sket) What is he doing berjaga this early?? Being aware that I looked ridiculous in shades, at 5am in the kitchen, I automatically declared

Me : oh sorry, i have an eye infection
- apekehal?? mamat tu tak cakap ape pun??

White guy : oh..ok, take care of urself

haih...sopan betul orang malaysia ni...silap tempat yer kawan2......


Anwyayy...later that evening, K.Lin n K. Zetty came to visit me..How nice...They brought pizza, garlic bread n muschroom soup. Oh yes, sainsburry's doghnut as well..We ate sambil tgk tv. But I cant enjoy it very much as I my vision has worsened by then. Kesian tetamu2 kene layan diri sendiri cuz at one point I have to lie down to ease the pain..Tapi terharu bangat ada pelawat...sob..sob..thanks girls.. ~hugs~ wished they can stay longer, but K.Zetty has to fly off to france the next day n its getting late anyway..so terpaksa la mereka balik.


This is how bad it was...ooh, scary or wat!

Insaf seketika....Of all the disabilities in the world, losing my eyesight is the most horrifying to me. Ive always prayed prayed prayed for that NOT to happen. Hmmm..walaupun my eyes selalu sembap mcm panda (that's wat Kenn used to call me), i cant ask for more...

27th May, 2008

I woke up early again..of course, takde bende nak buat..So I called the medical practice sharp at 8.30am to make an appointment with the GP. I have to call a few times, cuz no one answered!Hellow..8.30 tak bukak lagi ker? Finally...apointment nya at 9.40! I was wondering how in the world can I cycle to the GP? So I decided to take the cab...thank goodness jgk K.Lin willing to temankan that morning. I asked her bcuz I takut I tak nmpak jalan balik. Thanks K.Lin! ~hugs~

I didnt get to see my personal GP, but any doctors would do. Luckily he said, this is normal for contact lense wearers, rarely impose major issues. Lega hati chek....He gave me a precription of an antibiotic called chloramphenicol..bende ni hari2 I guna kat lab! Kalau tau, boley jer I pipette (titis) dalam mata sendiri..LOL

my first prescription in england

After the check up, we went to the pharmacy to amik my ubat. I wonder, kalau sakit lagi teruk, do they still expect patients to walk all the way to the pharmacy to get the medicines? Memang tak logikk (version kak karena in Ezora tv3..LOL)

Then, I ajak K.Lin breakfast kat COSTA jap..Treat her hot chocolate and plain butter croissant..Happy sket la ni...tp still exhausted..See..

Kak Lin muka Happy....

My muka sadis...

Hmm..Friday smells good...

*hope weekend kali ini lebih productive*

I'm off....

Praise be to Allah

wah...syukur kepada Tuhan yang maha Esa..penglihatan ku telah pulih semula.......

FYI, i got myself an eye infection since Sunday..on both eyes!! It is an acute conjuctivits which causes the eyes to become watery, an in my case extreeeemely sensitive to light. Sunlight is still bearable, but laptop screen and television was very painful to look at. I cant even glare at both my favourite world inventions! So, berhari2 duduk di dalam gelap...TOTAL DARK! No kidding..

As for now, sudah improve sedikit...Still blinking my eyes as I'm writing this. Has to type very fast! Agak2je menekan keyboard. Wuhuu..Should wait till they recover fully, sebab tak berapa elok to tense the eyes by exposing them to light! I think! However, juga tak sanggup bersabar setelah 4 hari tak check emails n so on..ish2..sabar jehan..

Hope esok fully recover...At last, dapat tgk tv malamni..also, hopefully lusa dapat ke lab..bosan alagapas ni...

Lots to story morey...

*wink* or blink.... LOL