Love like you've never been hurt before

Baru semalam ber-iye iye tulis panjang lebar tentang ketekadan dalam membuat keputusan. Pendirian goyah kembali selepas aktiviti borak panjang lebar dengan ibu. Nama dia yang sudah lama tak disebut depan ibu, kembali terkeluar dari mulut ni. Lalu ditanya ibu, ape cite die sekarang?

Haruslah otak laju memberi signal-signal untuk mngawal ekspresi wajah, takut perasaan sebenar terpamer pula. He already has a girlfriend. Bagusla tu... Kawal emosi kawal emosi.

Long story short, I'm glad I (partially) talked about him. Sebab kalaulah ada kekuatan ni, memang banyak sangat nak cerita and share dengan ibu. But I just couldn't. So dapat share sikit pun agak legalah jugak.  I can't believe I said this..

me : taknak amik tau sangat, dia mampu memporak-porandakan.

ibu : porak-porandakan siapa?

me : my life lah.

ibu : kenapa, still ada feeling lagi? blablabla....(blablabla is the part where her words seemed to be silented due to my nervousness. I know what she's about to ask, and was panickly thinking of the most appropriate answer. damn!)

me : taktaulah, kalau die nak, and I'm single, ann nak jer...grrr...(nervous jap, wrong, wrong answer)...takde sebab pun taknak. entah, dulu.....(i stopped there, face down)

Being a mum, I bet she can read my mind. As if I have not heard it before, she said, takde orang yang akan dapat semuanya..(Something something, i forgot)...Mungkin Tuhan nak kita hargai yang ada depan mata. Sekarang, channel kan lah perasaan and rasa sayang tu pada orang lain..orang bernama *tooot*

Ya..kawal emosi. Gunakan akal fikiran. Tak bersama tidak bermakna tiada rasa ambil berat tentang seseorang. Afterall, his name, in fact sometimes their names, bermain di bibir tatkala berdoa. Semoga Tuhan rahmati aku dan mereka-mereka dengan kebahagiaan di dunia dan akhirat.

Beri kekuatan dan tekad yang Kau suluhkan semalam. Read yesterday post again!

Oh, I can never be the same person two days in a row! Damn!

(With all due respect to Mr. A)

Tidak mungkinnn...

Received a short sms from atok few minutes ago. He wished me Selamat Hari Raya and saying that the whole family is back in Klang already, and that they are in good condition and so on...I terus terfikir, adakah esok raya di Malaysia? Tidak mungkinnn...Ini tidak adil...So I called atok immediately. Sorry atok, tengah berbuka rupanya. But I wanted to verify if my guess is true. Nasib baik....belum raya lagi.....Most probably wednesday....fuhh...relief...

*********

Mengapakah macik panick?

*********************

I target to send my chapter 3 (Which is the most heartaching part of the thesis) BEFORE raya! Hehe walaupun ada banyak lagi correction to be done after that, at least the most crucial part is done. Hm.....i'm extremely tired...

Off

Family Portrait...(back in the 50s)

Oh, when panick attacks and stress melanda, it's even harder to focus on what I should be doing (writing that is). Instead, duk cari entertainment lain pulak. So as I was browsing another blog, I found another 'distraction' to be obsessed with.

Seriously, it is fun! Check out this application. It's called Yearbook-Yourself. Here, you can visualize yourself until back to the 50s. Bermacam-macam style rambut yang ada. For the ladies, the hairstyles are still acceptable (and make sense!), but for the lads....OMG, undescribably hideous!!! LOL

So, I tried for myself and for each and every one in the family. They look seriously hilarious, but these are one of the best looks for them (imagine the not so good looking styles?), and so they are chosen to be captured as our family portrait.

Row 1 L-R : Bonda, Along, Angah

Row 2 L-R : Jehan, Abang, Azwan

of course, rambut paling cantik is for myself la kan....

Another set of the portrait cuz abang prefers his in the afro.

Madam Aloyah-Kuih-Lapis dan anak-anaknya; Hamidah - Rafidah - Qasidah
(hehe..please refer to Filem Tiga Abdul by P. Ramlee) - I love it!

So, try for yourself. Trust me, you will NOT look as good as you are today. Ceh, macam lawa je skrg ni ;)

Note:

I was afraid that Ibu will be too sensitive apabila melihat gambar arwah Azwan. But, how could I not put his picture in the FAMILY PORTRAIT kan? Sewaktu pembikinan gambar-gambar ini, terasa sebak yang teramat. Berkali-kali bacaan Al-Fatihah dibacakan untuk arwah Azwan. Genap setahun setengah arwah meninggalkan family. Sempena bulan baik ni, saya ingin mengajak yang muslim untuk menghadiahkan arwah adik, Nik Azwan Shah bin Nik Mokhtar dengan Al-Fatihah. Semoga Allah tempatkan arwah di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. Aminnn................................

Redha..."Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry, upon him is wrath.

Bid farewell to a good friend

It's time for a very good friend of mine to leave us. He was here as an Erasmus student for 6 months, and now he must leave to continue his studies back home in Germany. No words can describe how we will miss his company, especially me, as he is the only lab partner I have (Gabi is always too busy). Anyway, thank you for the friendship Mr. Matthias, all the best for your PhD, and hope we will meet again someday! God bless you

Circle of Friends at The Granta......................................................

Farewell Party on his last night in Cambridge................................................

Sometimes you have to let go

Shit happens.....like so often!! (told you I'll be back with more moaning and weeping)

Sometimes there is just no point to continue in an argument. I was 'arguing' with the tuan penyelia (again!) and I realized at one point, there is no way I'm gonna change the perception of this person. I admit partly the faults were mine, but seriously its no big deal and amendable. But on her side, even the little things she could not let go! It has to be MY fault whatever what.

You know, the hardest thing for any person to do is to admit his/her mistakes. I believe the only key for improvement starts by admitting that you are wrong. From there you are clear which part of your personality should be corrected/impriove whatever. And...be open to other people's opinion and listen to others perception about yourself. Haih..this type of person rasa dia je yang betul..Susah la nak deal macamni.

God..I only want to finish this as soon as possible and escape from this place. Why should I stay in a place where I know I am not being appreciated?? Entahla labu...the thing is, my personality seems to contradict with my own boss most of the time. So it makes my life more miserable, apart from the work that's already highly energy/time-demanding itself. Kalau penat bekerja, tapi happy takpe, but now I don't think both are worth to sacrifice. Not anymore.

Best way is to walk away..........

*Usaha, tawakal, redha and serahkan segalanya pada Dia* ;)

I'm trying to let go of this depressing and tormenting thoughts....to regain my peace and serenity...

let go jehan...let go...

Doa untuk kak lin

Today Kak Lin balik ke malaysia dgn tiba2 nya. I didn't know this until 5 minutes before she went aboard (National express bus). My handphone boley plak takde signal time-time camni...

Anyway...her sister is in a very critical condition right now. She's in a coma. Nothing much we can do to help her except doa. Also, we prayed that Kak Lin sempat jumpe her sis...

Take care Kak Lin

*stress mode enabled again*