Friday, 19 February 2010

Love like you've never been hurt before

Baru semalam ber-iye iye tulis panjang lebar tentang ketekadan dalam membuat keputusan. Pendirian goyah kembali selepas aktiviti borak panjang lebar dengan ibu. Nama dia yang sudah lama tak disebut depan ibu, kembali terkeluar dari mulut ni. Lalu ditanya ibu, ape cite die sekarang?

Haruslah otak laju memberi signal-signal untuk mngawal ekspresi wajah, takut perasaan sebenar terpamer pula. He already has a girlfriend. Bagusla tu... Kawal emosi kawal emosi.

Long story short, I'm glad I (partially) talked about him. Sebab kalaulah ada kekuatan ni, memang banyak sangat nak cerita and share dengan ibu. But I just couldn't. So dapat share sikit pun agak legalah jugak.  I can't believe I said this..

me : taknak amik tau sangat, dia mampu memporak-porandakan.
ibu : porak-porandakan siapa?
me : my life lah.
ibu : kenapa, still ada feeling lagi? blablabla....(blablabla is the part where her words seemed to be silented due to my nervousness. I know what she's about to ask, and was panickly thinking of the most appropriate answer. damn!)
me : taktaulah, kalau die nak, and I'm single, ann nak jer...grrr...(nervous jap, wrong, wrong answer)...takde sebab pun taknak. entah, dulu.....(i stopped there, face down)

Being a mum, I bet she can read my mind. As if I have not heard it before, she said, takde orang yang akan dapat semuanya..(Something something, i forgot)...Mungkin Tuhan nak kita hargai yang ada depan mata. Sekarang, channel kan lah perasaan and rasa sayang tu pada orang lain..orang bernama *tooot*


Ya..kawal emosi. Gunakan akal fikiran. Tak bersama tidak bermakna tiada rasa ambil berat tentang seseorang. Afterall, his name, in fact sometimes their names, bermain di bibir tatkala berdoa. Semoga Tuhan rahmati aku dan mereka-mereka dengan kebahagiaan di dunia dan akhirat.

Beri kekuatan dan tekad yang Kau suluhkan semalam. Read yesterday post again!

Oh, I can never be the same person two days in a row! Damn!

(With all due respect to Mr. A)


Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Bookmark #1 : Decision Making

I have not read a book, any books, a complete one for a long time. I have two storybooks on my bedside table, that are not finished. One is read less than half, and then I already moved on to the second book. Nothing quite profound I guess. Anyway, reading - I loved it, and I still love it. Simply because it gives me the power to explore, and basically to learn something new. In some motivational books that I have encountered all these years, I find peace in them. Sense of optimism and the can-do spirit.

Getting back to my post for today, I have NOT read this book, also, for quite some time. I used to flip through the content page of this book, whenever I'm feeling down, with the intention to find some articles that 'suits' my 'misery' at that point of time. I believe, by reading someone else's experience of the same problem might help me sort mine out. Hence, the new label in this blog, called 'bookmark'. I will start to quote any interesting piece from any books I feel worth to share.

As of now, I'm feeling a tad bit depress. Yes, you heard me. DEPRESSION is a big word. I wouldn't say I am, but almost there. Lately, anything associated with making decisions would cause dejection, demoralizing and discouragment. Life is all about making decisions. I am suck at making decisions. So basically, I suck. Or my life is. (of course I dont feel this way all the time. On the contrary,alhamdulillah I can't be more grateful for what I have. So, this is what we call a mood swing!). So now I am, flipping through this book with the faith that I would find something useful to ease the burden, as I did before. Or at least to guide me on how to unravel the complexities I currently face. Read on...


Source : Don't Be Sad
Author : Dr. Ayidh bin Abdullah Al-Qarni
Translated by : Noraine Abu (Sorry, it's in Malay language, will post the english version once I found the english version book, somewhere under my bed! ;) )

Firman Allah swt di dalam surah Ali-'Imran, ayat 159:
     ....apabila kamu telah membulatkan tekad, maka bertawakallah kepada Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah menyukai orang-orang yang bertawakkal (kepada-Nya).

Sesungguhnya kebanyakan dari kita mengalami keraguan manakala harus mengambil suatu keputusan penting sehingga menjadi gelisah, bingung, kacau dan ragu, sehingga akhirnya mengalam sakit dan pening kepala yang berpanjangan. Adalah kewajiban seorang hamba untuk selalu bermusyawarah atau beristikharah kepada Allah. Kemudian merenung sebentar, setelah itu. Jika kemudian merasakan ada sesuatu yang menurutnya paling tepat, majulah dan jangan ragu-ragu. Sekarang, bulatkan tekad, tawakkal dan mantapkan hati, agar hidup ragu-ragu dan bimbang cepat berakhir.

Sesungguhnya Rasulullah saw sendiri meminta pandangan kepada kaum muslimin sehubungan dengan rencana melakukan perang Uhud, sedang beliau berada di atas mimbarnya. Para sahabat mencadangkan agar Rasulullah saw turun langsung ke medan perang. Maka Rasulullah saw segera memakai baju perang dan mengambil pedangnya. Ketika mera berkata, "Barangkali kami telah memaksa engkau, wahai Rasulullah? Bagaimana kalau engkau tetap tinggal di Madinah?" Rasulullah saw menjawab : Pantang bagi seorang Nabi bila telah mengenakan baju perangnya untuk melepasnya kembali sebelum Allah memutuskan dia dan musuhnya.

Selanjutnya Rasulullah saw bertekad untuk tetap berangkat ke medan Uhud. Sebenarnya, dalam menghadapi sebuah permasalahan tidak perlu sikap ragu-ragu. Masalah apapun harus dihadapi dengan keyakinan yang kuat dan tekad yang bulat. Sebab keberanian dan kepimpinan itu tampak dalam pengambilan keputusan. (obviously I'm not a good leader ;( )


Sesungguhnya di antara karaktor orang-orang munafiq adalah suka menggagalkan rencana sendiri kerana terlalu banyak mengulang pertanyaan dan banyak mempertimbangkan pendapat yang telah ditetapkan.

Sesungguhnya orang-orang munafiq itu selalu mengatakan "seandainya", "...akan jadi begini jika begini", dan "boleh jadi". Kesannya, kehidupan mereka pun berdiri di atas pengandaian, di atas langkah yang maju-mundur, dan ketidakjelasan.

        Mereka dalam keadaan ragu-ragu antara yang demkian (iman dan kafir), tidak termasuk pada golongan ini (orang-orang beriman) dan tidak (pula) pada golongan itu (orang-orang kafir).....(An-Nisa':143)

Sesekali mereka bersama kita dan pada kesempatan yang lain bersama musuh kita. Sesekali berada di pihak ini dan lain kali berada di pihak itu.

Sesungguhnya sikap ragu-ragu merupakan ketidakberesan dalam melihat sebuah permasalahan, memadamkan semangat, melemahkan rencana, menyia-nyiakan susah-payah dan melahirkan kebimbangan dalam melangkah. Ragu-ragu adalah penyakit yang tidak ada ubatnya kecuali dengan ketekadan, perbuatan dan keteguhan hati. Banyak masalah yang menjelaskan bahawa keputusan-keputusan kecil dan permasalahan remeh-temeh harus diselesaikan selama bertahun-tahun. Saya dapat memastikan bahawa sikap itu tiada lain kerana keraguan dan kebimbangan telah menguasai mereka dan menguasai teman-teman yang ada di sekitar mereka.

Sesungguhnya mereka telah membiarkan kebimbangan merasuki jiwa mereka sehingga mempengaruhinya dan membiarkan kekacauan menghinggapi hati mereka sehingga menyibukkannya.

Sesungguhnya sudah menjadi keharusan bagi anda setelah mempelajari kenyataan adalah memikirkan permasalahan itu, bertukar pendapat dengan orang yang bijaksana dan berpengalaman, beristikharah kepada Tuhan alam semesta, berjalan ke depan menghadapi masalah, dan menyelesaikan yang sudah ada di depan mata terlebih dahulu.

Jika anda mempunyai pendapat
Putuskanlah dengan tegas
kerana sesungguhnya keraguan anda
akan melemahkan pendapat anda sendiri

*The End*

Note : Sangat berguna untuk diaplikasikan dalam setiap hal. Termasuk dalam memilih pasangan hidup.
Note to self : Cinta hati cinta hati yang lalu, yang telahpun meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan, lupakan saja. Yakin dengan keputusan kamu...

God willing~


Friday, 12 February 2010

The differences

I have to stop comparing my life with other people's lives! We are individually unique. The road I'm taking is NOT the road they are walking..So why the crucial comparison?

will only bring me heartache and ungrateful to God's blessings. Syukur..bersyukur..

I'M DIFFERENT, AND YOU ARE DIFFERENT.

STOP COMPARING!

FULLSTOP!

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Thanks for the memories

Is it normal to feel this way? That someone who used to be very special to you has finally tied the knot. It has been a good-and-terrible 4 years since we broke up. I did not miss him, I never regreted over the separation. I always felt that there was something missing in our relationship. Despite all that, I care a great deal for him. Because he was very kind to me. I have always wish him well. And at times of muhasabah diri and reminiscence of my love-life past, I mentioned his name in my prayers; right after the solah. I wished him happiness and blessings from God. Yes, I do believe in God. And that he listens to my prayers, and he will grant whatever that's best for us. Anyway, I wished him all that. Perhaps me and him in separate lives was the best in any terms.

There's this weird feeling about him elevating to another level in life. Having another woman in his life, who's gonna take care of him. Another family who he will treat as his own. *he used to be very close to my family*  Anyway, where does this feeling rooted from. It's not jealousy. Definitely not anger. It's just....weird! Because that woman used to be me. Plain weird!

Just a few weeks ago, I have spoke to a person, kanda abdul wahib, about sending him an apology message (in facebook or via sms - not that I have his number anyway). But heck, I didn't do it. It was almost new-2010-year, and I had a very strong urge to send my apologies to few chaps that I belieeeve I have done wrong to. I just need to verify their forgiveness (again). Even after all this years (or months-this goes to another chap! haha call me a womanizer. wateva!), their faces came accross my mind quite distinctly and constantly at that time that they remind me of my mistakes. Well anyway, he was one of them.


To you, if you're reading this, which I undoubtedly know you are not, I am sorry for all the crappy-shit I gave you in the past. There you go, I am documenting the confession of my deepest guilt and sincerest apologies. You used to be so nice and loving and sincere and pure. my bad..my bad. just to show how much my mum loves (still is) him, when we finally decided to put our relationship to an end, mum was the one who cried and felt that I screwed up big time! maybe she was right. ;(
Oh well, for the 100th time, I wish you well Hafiz (the feeling is so weird that I HAVE to mention his name out loud)!  Congratulations on your newly wedded life. I hope you will be an excellent husband and the perfect life partner for her.

*thanks for the memories*

Monday, 1 February 2010

the endless to-do list

I want to enhance my self-development.

I wanna learn french. merci

I wanna go to guitar class. hendrix

I still think other people's lives are somewhat better than mine.

I still think about him. Not good! Not good!

I just realized that she looks like Rossa, the indonesian singer. Which makes me feel a lot more jealous by now. crap!

I am so Katy Perry, thinking of you..

...

...

...

I need to sleep. Or play zombie.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

say hello to Miss J @ twenty-six

It has occured so often that not. I go blank at the very first attempt to construct a sentence for a new post.

...

You may notice that the design of the blog has changed (well, if u know me before). and for some who I personally notified, there is a change in my URL. It's something that I wanted to change in this blog for so long (for some stupid reasons), but just don't know how to do it. And I finally know-how today. so yay! to me. I might consider to change it back to the old URL. I guess we have to wait and see.

So many things to write in here, after a long while of dissapearance. Where to start? Dunno is the answer. So I'll just go straight to the point here..... I WANT TO START WRITING AGAIN! What about? Just about anything.

Let's see if I have some stuff in mind to share. Just to warm up a lil bit before the real writings come in. haha poyo!

1. I'm having flu (not the second wave of H1N1, thank God)
2. I like my current job, just because of the company that I get at workplace. very nice people. nothing to do with the job itself.
3. I was a bit confused with my love life. i hate it. and thank God, it is almost sorted out. i think.
4. My very good friend just delivered a baby boy named Umar Mikail. *likes*
5. I badly want a blackberry bold, but I said no,thanks when someone offered to give it to me as a present. isk.
6. I can't wait for the crazy roller coaster rides this weekend in Genting. wuhuu!
7. I am most proud of Alia, who has just left to Manchester with her husband for a PhD. good job, girl! I wish I was the one who flew to UK the other day, though. but it's fine. my time will come i believe.
8. I love facebook-ing. But I honestly thing facebook is a mere waste of time. (only in my case)
9. I constantly looking at my friends or some strangers' profiles, the pictures and comments. And the result is, I feel their lives are better than mine. They are happier and somehow, I would love to be in their shoes. Explains why I think facebook is crap. Basically because I lack of self-control. I search for the people (in FB) that I am not suppose to even contact with. ex-admirers or ex-boyfriends perhaps? hah! plain stupid.
10. And I dont like too many friends invitations. I have "93 friends request" to date. How do you propose I separate the people I know from those I've never seen in my life? Such a huge amount of effort. Hm..

Well, okay..

I think, this is a good kickstart, although almost one-third of the list is me complaining about facebook. i hate it lately.

pls b informed that i spent an hour to write this brief post. my ideas are dry...oh inspirations, come knock on my door..

it's 5am on a saturday. i need to sleep. have a good night.